Salacious Propriety

So it seems that there have been numerous accounts and stories floating around the net of people mishandling their Wii-motes, inadvertently throwing them or letting go of them causing damage to both animate (humans) and inanimate objects ($5k plasmas). I’m not sure where I stand on this. I kind of think a lot of these self-proclaimed victims of faulty straps are kind of spazzes. Then again, I’ve come across some people that have that disease where they sweat all the time and I can sympathize that maybe it’s these poor guys that are launching their Wii-motes.

I would hate for this to happen:

A few days ago Nintendo decided to send a mass email out to those who had registered their Wii’s, no doubt covering their asses before the deluge of Wii-mote incidents likely to occur following Christmas morning.

Here’s the letter:

Nintendo seems a little panicked by the third paragraph as indicated by the exclamation point.

I don’t think that I personally would have a problem holding onto the Wii-mote. But then the thought of inebriated friends or the limited coordination of the elderly and sugar-high children give me trepidation when it comes to letting them play my Wii.

I can so picture any of the aforementioned having this sort of reaction upon seeing me silently enraged:

Oh noes!

Luckily I have a solution…

The following is a step-by-step procedure in making what I like to call Tandaemonium’s Wii-mote Strap, Hard Core.

Here’s what you need:

Needed materials (for 2 straps):
2 Wii-motes
1 Needle-nose pliers
2 1″ Split Key Rings ($.96 at Home Depot)
2 6″ chain
1 set of hand-cuffs
1 20-oz Cherry Coke for a tasty beverage (even though it’s not really good for you)

So I stopped by my local sex-shop to get the key ingredient. The hostess there was more than accommodating with my inquiry. She understood my dilemma and is aware of the Wii-mote and its pitfalls. She’s cool like dat. A cool dominatrix like dat.

So we went over to the rack-O-handcuffs. I had gone in planning on getting standard grade handcuffs, but once I saw what was available I had some tough choices ahead of me.

Glow-in-the-dark? Bah! We don’t need novelty. But then there was the assortment of jeweled handcuffs. Totally. Handcuff. Bling. My fascination unwittingly had my eyes wandering to the nipple cuff section, and to be honest even after I realized I was no longer in the handcuff section, some of these nipplecuffs could maybe work for Wii-mote purposes. I weighed the types of chains and strength of chains in my decision and was about to go with a pretty standard set of handcuffs that had tiny fake blue sapphires in them…blue sapphires that I figured would be cool with the blue Wii glow. But then I had to change my mind, because I found these beauties:

It’s all because of Jesse Jane and her cuffs that the “Wii-mote Strap” had just become HARD CORE. I am unfamiliar with Miss Jane and her body of work, but a girl who makes HARD CORE cuffs is A-OK in my book and therefore worth the wiki.

“…she managed to win a walk-on role in the 2003 made for television movie, Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding, after impressing the director.” I’ll bet.

“In 2004, Jesse Jane appeared in the first HD-DVD porn movie ‘Island Fever 3′, filmed on Tahiti and Bora Bora.” It may not be Blu-ray, but it too is the future.

“Jane can be seen as a guest star on the HBO comedy series Entourage. The episode is entitled ‘I Love You Too’, and features the foursome making a trip to Comicon where they get some help from the ‘Pussy Patrol’ of which Jesse is the leader.” I love this show! Jeremy Piven is the tits. And awwww…HITG! moment.

Anyways, so these cuffs, right. It did occur to me what the hell would I do if I lost the keys. Thank goodness for emergency quick release latches, no? No need to panic without a safe-word and you’re the only one in the room - just you and your Wii. These just had to be the cuffs I’d get. I couldn’t go wrong. After all, the countires of the UK, Germany, Italy, the Netherlands, Spain and France have got my back.

Basically the main thing you’re going to have to do is separate one of the cuffs from the links. As you can see each cuff is attached directly to two links.

Using the needle-nose pliers, open and detach these two links from the other links. Set aside the other cuff and links. (I decided to go with HARD first and set aside CORE. At the moment there’s a Wii-mote shortage so I won’t be able to apply CORE yet. )

You should now have one cuff with 2 dangling links. Remove one of the links completely. Then thread the remaining link through a 6″ chain and the now vacant hole. The chain you choose is up to your discretion. I decided to splurge and go with the $.96 chain. Close the link using the needle-nose pliers.

Your Jesse’s Funky Cuffs should have come with a .5″ keyring with 2 keys attached. Separate the .5″ keyring from the keys and attach this keyring to one of the 1″ keyrings. Then thread the .5″ keyring through the Wii-mote strap-slot. Finally, put the cuff and Wii-mote together by threading the 1″ keyring that is part of the Wii-mote section through the vacant end of the chain. You’re done!

The faux-fur really makes these pretty comfortable. I stress-tested movement with this setup with Wii Sports Tennis and so far there has not been any discomfort. If anything, the slapping of the chain against your wrist is kind of noisy and slightly irritating, but it doesn’t impede gameplay nor do I think it’s enough of a big deal to trump its HARDCOREness.

Sorry for the lack of accompanying exact photographs relative to instructions. I kinda took all the pictures and put it together first, before typing it all up.